Introducing the Mr. Pixels Pain Pack™

That’s right, folks — when the night is long, the Wi-Fi’s slow, and your existential dread is buffering, there’s one chimpanzee who’s got your back: Mr. Pixels, the most dapper simian in the noir universe!

Now you can bring a piece of his mystery, misery, and magnificent musk right into your home with the Mr. Pixels Pain Pack™ — a limited-edition bundle of heartbreak, nostalgia, and oddly specific scents.

What’s Inside the Pain Pack™?

Authentic Chimpanzee Tears — harvested from Mr. Pixels himself during those quiet nights when the coffee’s gone cold and the servers won’t restart. Each vial contains pure emotion, bottled before the sorrow evaporates. Just one drop adds depth to your morning routine — or your soul.

“Attic Essence” Scent — ever wonder what the attic above WiscNet World HQ™ smells like? Think dusty ethernet cables, ozone, and forgotten dreams. It’s like breathing in vintage troubleshooting logs with a hint of banana musk. One sniff and you’ll be transported back to where legends lurk and routers reboot eternally.

Signed Noir Portrait of Mr. Pixels — captured in full grayscale glory, fedora tilted just so. Each photograph is personally stained by the chimp detective himself — a collectible so classy, even your smoke alarm will start speaking in jazz.

Order on an even-numbered day and we’ll throw in a bonus existential crisis, absolutely free!

That’s right — you’ll question your purpose, your bandwidth, and your choice of career in IT — just like Mr. Pixels!

Artificially intelligent. Naturally hot.